Why are You Afraid? —Two Types of Fear

Fear Series Part 2

Welcome to part two of the Fear Series. Today, I discuss two different types of fear and how changing your perspective can help you overcome and tackle those fears. 

Why are you afraid? I’m not asking as a rhetorical question meant to highlight the illegitimacy of your fears. I’m asking as a prompt for you to self-examine and find the underlying reason for your fear. So, what is the real reason for your fear? Why are you afraid?

To help you identify the underlying reasons for your fear,  I will share two types or better still, faces of fear.

Fear of the Unknown

I saw a quote somewhere that said “Uncertainty and possibility are two sides of the same coin”.  The fear of the unknown comes largely from seeing your decision as having a binary outcome, one of which is bad. That 50/50 outlook often keeps us fixated on the side of the coin that has a negative outcome. We fear the unknown because we’re only able to envision the worst possible outcome. 

We forget that the best possible outcome of our decisions is just as possible and likely as the scary outcome we keep visualizing. You keep thinking and asking yourself “what if it doesn’t work out?” You forget to ask “What if it does?” 

In the last edition of this newsletter, I shared how the uncertainty of where my decisions would take me was the underlying reason for my fear and it caused me to be indecisive or want to stay put. Understanding that life is an infinite game has helped me overcome this indecision…most of the time. Like most people, I’m still a work in progress. 

For more on the fear of the unknown and finite/infinite games, please read part one of the Fear Series.

Fear of Feedback

Fear of feedback put more honestly, is the fear of what people would think of you. If you’re a people pleaser this fear can become a hurdle that slows you down in life. And if you’re a person who lets your ego and pride dictate your choices, this fear will keep you stagnant.

The fear of feedback has us asking: What if people hate it? What will people say? What if they think this is dumb? What if I embarrass myself?

I don’t discount the validity or intensity of these kinds of fears. I battle with mine daily. Even as I write this, I can think of a few things I haven’t done because I'm scared of embarrassing myself. The reality is people will give you feedback on your life’s choices whether you ask for it or not. Even if they don’t say anything, their facial expression, that awkward pause, the funny look on their face, and sometimes the lack of interest from an authority figure in your life, are all feedback that you take in whether you realize it or not. 

I’ve seen several artists talk about how they overcame the fear of feedback by sharing their art in secret. It sounds like an oxymoron but it has many truths to it. For example, a budding artist would create a secret Instagram account that none of their friends or family know about so they can share their work freely without being inundated by the fear of ‘losing the respect of the people in their lives’ and ‘looking stupid or lame’ ‘getting laughed at’ ‘being criticized’ by the people who’s opinion matter to them. Whether those opinions are constructive or relevant to their work or not. They share in secret so they have the freedom to create without the watchful eyes (often it’s all in your head) of people waiting to mock them.  

Learn to block out the noise and disregard feedback unless you specifically ask for it. And even then, when you ask for feedback from trusted sources, remember that this external feedback alone should not determine your next move. Factor in constructive feedback, varying perspectives, and informed opinions to help YOU make the best decision. Always follow your gut. 

I gave unsolicited feedback to a close friend recently and didn’t realize it - until it was too late. She shared two different options she was considering and I (without thinking) said I liked one option over the other. Why did I do that? It’s not my life, not my decision to make and she DID NOT ASK me what I liked. I just word vomited my opinion and I regret it. Ignore unsolicited feedback on your life’s choices even when they are from well-meaning people you love because you’ve been thinking about your choice for days maybe months and the person whose feedback you are giving so much weight didn’t even think about it for more than a minute or like in my case was just a mindless talkative. Why should their opinion hold more water than you who knows yourself and your decision the best? Block out the noise. 

Remember: People will laugh at you and if you keep going, eventually they will laugh with you. 

Remember: People don’t think about you/what you do/your choices as much as you imagine.

Remember: No matter what you do, people will talk and make comments about you. NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO.