Breaking Our Problematic Patterns
As humans, we should be in a perpetual state of growth and learning. There's a quote that says: "Never stop learning because life never stops teaching." Learning involves the pursuit of knowledge and evolving our understanding and perspective of the world. It also involves learning about ourselves. Understanding who we are and who we are becoming. I'm a strong proponent of cultivating who you want to be in life (and I've written about this extensively). I believe we must capitalize on our strengths and edit our weaknesses to become a better version of ourselves. We cannot leave our growth and development to chance because life will tug at you left and right, and turn you in circles. That is why you must do the work to identify and hold on to your values which become your pillars of support that keep you grounded — no matter how messy (or good) life gets.
One way of editing your life is to break problematic patterns. We all have them. There are ways that we have preconditioned ourselves to act that are not necessarily the healthiest. Problematic patterns could involve other people, and they could also be internal. It could be dynamics in friendships and relationships or with our family that are unhealthy, hurtful, or just simply unpleasant. We know these patterns are problematic yet, we do nothing to change them — because changing them takes effort.
It doesn't matter what role you play in these situations. It doesn't matter that you are the victim, the one being taken advantage of, or being mistreated. You are the common denominator in these situations so, you must do something to change it. We cannot control how other people act but, we can control how we react and choose what we tolerate. You are not helpless because you are an adult. You must break away, carve a new path, and create a healthier dynamic for yourself.
What I'm trying to tell you is, you are not helpless to the things life throws at you. If you don't like it, change it. You have the power to change your situation and break out of problematic patterns. It might be hard, scary, and even seem impossible. But it can be done!
If there's one thing I've learned is that we all have our trauma. Our childhoods, past relationships, past jobs, or past experiences have left a lasting effect on us. It affects how we navigate the world, how we see ourselves, how we respond to certain situations, or how we relate to people and situations. It can also lead us to develop crutches to get through these situations. Maybe it's time to put your life lessons to use and get rid of your crutches.
Start by identifying these patterns and their triggers. Next time you find yourself in a situation where an unhealthy pattern has developed, work your way backward and pinpoint how you got there. Find the root and hidden triggers of these situations and start to fix them at the points of origin.
Next, control your emotions. Our emotions can betray us. They can cause us to overreact or behave in ways that are not a good reflection of who we really are. Control your emotions, and approach things calmly and intentionally. For example, say you no longer want to tolerate someone talking down to you. Instead of tackling it the next time they talk down to you—which could lead to your emotions taking over, ask to have a conversation at a different time in a neutral setting when everyone is calm. That way, your emotions are under control and you can have a civil conversation where you speak up and break! that! problematic! pattern!
Lastly, be persistent but patient with yourself. Don't beat yourself up when you slip up. Take it one day at a time or one situation at a time. You don't have to get it all figured out right away. Pay attention to incremental changes you can make. Maybe you didn't completely speak up this time, but you made it known that you are not okay with things. Maybe you got shut down, but you've exercised your "pushback muscle". Be patient, but don't give up on yourself. You got this!