Boundaries: Importance and Types🚪

"NO." is a complete sentence

A few years ago, a friend of a friend who I was just getting to know invited me to her birthday celebrations. She had planned a birthday brunch, then dinner at a fancy restaurant followed by drinks at another location, all on the same day. I said yes to the dinner plans but didn't respond to the brunch invite. I didn't want to attend brunch but felt bad about saying no. I take it she saw my silence as a "maybe" and so she kept pushing till I caved and attended the brunch. I ended up spending most of my day and a lot of money celebrating the birthday of someone I barely knew and who hardly acknowledged my presence. I later found out: she only invited me because her other friends had grown tired of her many demands on her birthday and she needed someone/anyone there. Total clown moment for me. 🤡

If only I had set clear boundaries and said "No.", I would have saved myself a lot of time, saved money, and avoided the irritation and embarrassment of the entire ordeal. 

Setting and sticking to your boundaries might seem difficult at first, but they really do make your life easier. I read somewhere that "clear is kind and unclear is unkind". The fact is you'll be doing yourself and everyone around you a favor when you set clear boundaries. People pleasing and always saying "Yes" to things we would rather not do can lead to inauthenticity. When you learn to say "No", your "Yes" starts to carry more value. You become more intentional in how you spend your time and get to be truly present both physically and emotionally in your interactions. Your time and energy are finite so use them wisely. 

Understanding, establishing, and maintaining boundaries are key ingredients to self-actualization and taking control of your life. Here are a few reasons why:

You cannot be truly authentic without boundaries. Setting boundaries allows you to be intentional and present on how you spend your time, who you spend it with, and what you invest your emotions and resources into. 

Boundaries are empowering. It might be hard at first, but setting and sticking with your boundaries is empowering and even exhilarating. It gives you agency over your life. You know that you are in the driver's seat of your life and not a spectator watching other people determine how you spend your time or live your life. 

Life is about balance. The sooner you realize this the sooner you can start to design the life you want. There is a saying I learned from my brother: "you can't be all sugar or people will lick you completely till there's nothing left". Some part of you has to be sour so people know when to back off. Boundaries ensure that there are some of you left for YOU. Balance the sweet with the sour. 

Boundaries are a form of self-care. When you say yes all the time, over-exert yourself, and neglect your own needs, it starts to affect your mental health and most likely will lead to burnout. Spend your time doing things you want, how you want them, and watch your sense of fulfillment and life enjoyment go up.

You don't need anyone's permission to have boundaries. The people who get upset when you set boundaries are those who have been benefiting from you overexerting yourself. The people who truly care about you and value your time would respect your boundaries.

From my research, there are six main types of boundaries: physical, emotional, time, sexual, mental, and material boundaries. I'm going to be discussing three of these that I believe are very crucial to your personal development and mental health.

Emotional Boundaries

Emotional boundaries are about respecting and honoring your feelings and emotions. This would seem intuitive but a lot of times we put our own emotional needs aside to cater to the needs and expectations of others. I'll give an example. Say a friend calls you up and wants to talk about something they are going through. It's ok to let them know if you're not in the mood to listen, give advice, or help them dissect their situations. While it's great to be there for a friend emotionally and have them be there for you too, there has to be a balance. Some of us are experts at putting our feelings and emotions aside to "be there" for others. It's ok to do this but make sure you're giving just as much and even more attention to your own life and your own issues. Do you bury your feelings and ignore your struggles, yet expend emotional energy on someone else's issue?

It's ok to take a break and refill your cup. Say "I don't feel like talking right now". If you know a call is going to be draining but you know you won't be able to resist, then it's ok to ignore those calls or mute those conversations — till you have the capacity for that conversation. Remember, you don't have to justify yourself to anyone.

Mental Boundaries

These can also be called intellectual boundaries. Things that drain us mentally are sometimes hard to spot, not until the damage has been done. I've identified two types of mental boundaries you have to set:

~You and yourself
~You and others

You and Yourself: Or you and technology. Today's technology, social and political climate has put us smack right in the middle of all the things that are happening all the time. There's always breaking news, political scandal, this drama, that drama, the world is on fire, bla bla bla. No wonder there is a mental health crisis and we are all so drained all the time. While it is necessary to stay informed and sometimes involved with the things going on, it shouldn't have to be all the time. Set boundaries for yourself knowing that you don't have to mentally engage with every bit of news or scandal out there. 

You and others: You also don't have to engage with every conversation that is being thrown in your direction. For example, sometimes people want to talk about politics, race, gender, the climate, the immorality of billionaires, etc. While these topics can be interesting and even necessary to tackle, they can also be mentally draining. Couple that with having to engage with people who don't know how to have a healthy debate and would rather force-feed you their often problematic POVs (they are usually the ones that always like to bring up these topics). Before you know it, you've spent an hour of your life engaged in a very unpleasant conversation that has left you upset, irritated, and damn near nihilistic. How about you don't engage at all? Do it to protect your peace and mental energy Just smile, nod, and walk away.


Time Boundaries

A few years ago, a new friend (another friend) suggested we go to the park on a Tuesday afternoon to hang out and "catch up". I told her I couldn't, as on Tuesday afternoon I would be working (which makes sense since I don't have a trust fund). She got upset and insisted. Her reasoning was that since I was working remotely, I could easily move my schedule around so I could have a picnic with her. Fortunately for me this time, my priorities were straight.  I told her a resounding "No". 

If you let them, people will continue to demand things from you that encroach on your time and well-being. Time boundaries allow you to be disciplined and prioritize the important things. If you don't set boundaries for how you spend your time, you start to lose control of your day and lose track of where all the time went. Remember, how you spend your days is how you spend your life. 


R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Remember that as you set your boundaries, you should also learn to respect other people's boundaries as well. It's a two-way street.